Tag Archive: dad


Since I started blogging, almost a whole year ago, there as not been one day that I have missed.  Every Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday, like clockwork, I have showed up and put something out there for someone, anyone, to read.

Yesterday, for the first time in almost a year, I went AWOL.

I just didn’t show up.

So, for you who were waiting with bated breath, I apologize. Similarly, if you were worried I had died or had been sucked up by my chest (please reference Dane Cook) by aliens, I’m glad to inform you I am just fine.

What happened is that I actually just got swept up in the long, holiday weekend and forgot it was Sunday.

In fact, this weekend is a whirlwind of activity.

I showed up to my dad’s house ready for a weekend of drunken debauchery with friends and family by the pool in his backyard. But what actually happened was that I arrived at the restaurant for dinner like an hour later than I had originally told everyone I would be in town. Only, after I arrived, I promptly informed my dad that I felt like I was going to throw up and then I peace’d out.  I went back to the house where I found a bathroom just in time to puke my guts out. After throwing up nothing but water and bile (and oh yeah, those two or three Advil I took on an empty stomach- I’m an idiot), I ate exactly two and a half saltine crackers and fell asleep for an hour. When I woke up, everyone was arriving back home, with the food I had ordered in hand.

After that, Seneca and I went to bed early and watched some Forensic Files.

Saturday was even more of a blur.  The day lasted for-fucking-ever.

In a nutshell, the rest of the weekend happened as follows: I probably caught cancer from this shady-as-fuck restaurant called Hibachi Sushi Buffet (it was not my choice), hit my face against the bottom of the pool,  actually won a couple rounds of flip-cup, my computer died/broke, we ate our weight in pulled pork sandwiches, Megan accidentally dumped her almost-entirely-full drink in my lap at the bar we went to, Drew and I got into a physical altercation, Megan walked out at 2am with no word to Seneca or myself, both Seneca and I ended up in tears at some point, made weird references to Hilary Duff for no reason, saw Hangover II, and when we were alerted of bad weather we played a rousing game of Life where I pretended I found out I’m barren and will never bear children(LOL), we also watched a fuck-ton of Lifetime (yeah, including William & Kate, the movie), I quoted William Shakespeare to Seneca in a normal conversation, and I fell in the lake again tonight while trying to get in the kayak.

WINS ALL AROUND.

I promise things will go back to normal.

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I found a book in the study today that I was unaware that we owned. This is not really a difficult thing to achieve, as I have not actually taken an inventory of all the books we own.  But, you know, still. I found this random book and was surprised.

It’s kind of awesome actually, which makes me think this book belongs to Drew.

The tiny, weird-looking D’s throughout the book also make me think this book belongs to Drew, since his handwriting is super jank.

Or I could pretend that this book belongs to my very own version of The Half-Blood Prince.

This book is entitled 501 Things To Do If You DARE.

This book is obviously not mine. I don’t dare to do anything. I’m the biggest chicken-shit I know.

Let’s start off easy.  I’ll take a look at the very first thing to do if I dare.

Public Things: #1 Ride a Roller Coaster

Rating: One skull  & cross bones

For an added thrill, do it without holding onto the restraints.

There’s a small D written beside this one. The Half-Blood Prince is telling me he’s done this one. As have I. And I have done it with no hands, too. Who’s a badass now?!

#2 Drive an Autobahn

Rating: Four skull & cross bones.

A wide, well-maintained road with no speed limit? Mama, sign me up! In some places there are speed limits (and concessions made for conditions throughout), but it’s mainly a megafreeway with no restrictions on your lead-foot instinct.

Fuck no. I’m a terrible driver and don’t trust others. No thank you.

Oh, here’s one.  I jumped around to Athletic Things, located within the Public Things section.

#87 Go deep-sea fishing.

Rating: one skull & cross bones.

There is another D written by this one. The Half-Blood Prince is just a copy cat at this point.

I’m fairly certain that I have done this. I remember on one trip to Florida (with Dad and our first step-mom), we went fishing on this big-ass boat in the ocean. I remember having no form of excitement for this activity as 1.) I have no desire to fish; 2.) I don’t particularly enjoy the open sea; 3.) I suffer from extreme motion sickness.

I shit you not: I had to put my head between my knees and focus on my own breathing to avoid tossing my cookies in a planetarium. A PLANETARIUM. The stars were moving to fucking fast. Talk about middle school embarrassment. As if puberty and petty bitches weren’t enough to deal with in middle school. Ugh.

As far as the deep sea fishing adventure, all I can remember is feeling extremely sick, trapped on a giant boat in the middle of the ocean for hours. I remember getting sick and having my dad hold my hair back while everyone else had a grand old time fishing for sharks or whatever the fuck else lives in the ocean.  I also remember my step-mom telling me I was ruining our vacation by being sick on the boat during the fishing trip and how I was a whiney little brat in the car ride down to Florida because HI I HAVE MOTION SICKNESS AND BEING PACKED IN A VAN WITH FOUR OTHER KIDS SITTING BITCH NO LESS, A FUCKTON OF LUGGAGE AND MULTIPLE COOLERS WITH “SNACKS” WHILE THE WINDOWS ARE UP AND YOU SUCK DOWN YOUR CANCER STICKS IN THE FRONT SEAT AS WE WATCH COOL RUNNINGS AND 3 NINJAS* OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EATING NOTHING BUT MCDONALDS FOR TWO DAYS AND HATING YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU ARE BECAUSE YOU’RE THE DEVIL AND YOU RUINED MY FAMILY BY BEING A BITCHY, INTRUDING HOME-WRECKING WHORE— uh, I guess I could stop there …

Awkward….

Anyway, where was I?

Yeah, motion sickness.

And I’m the life-ruiner??

* I was not mad at all about watching Cool Runnings and 3 Ninjas over and over again.

Finally, I looked at the very last thing to do if I dare. I thought it would be intense and exciting but it’s not. It doesn’t even bear a notation from the Half-Blood Prince.

#501 Drink some tea

Rating: one skull and cross bones

Dude. I drink vanilla chai tea all the time! It is my jam. Yummo. I have conquered #501!

Perhaps I should make some now to come down from that rage blackout you just witnessed…

Last week I received a text that actually made me stop what I was doing and then run downstairs and ask Drew what the fuck it meant.

I was just about to leave for work and my phone buzzed. I assumed it was one of the girls at work texting me to ask me to pick some kind of food or beverage on my way into work. But ohhh, no. When I looked at my phone, I read the text and felt my breath catch.

Your dad is doing chemo this morning so shoot him a text if you get a chance.

Obviously, this is alarming.

1.)    Why the fuck didn’t I know Dad had cancer???

2.)    Which one of my loved ones’ phone numbers do I not already have stored in my phone?

3.)    WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I KNOW DAD HAD CANCER?!

So, I read it over a couple times.

The text came from a phone number that wasn’t in my phonebook, nor was it one I recognized.

This fact was the only thing that kept me from flying into a full-blown meltdown. I mean, seriously,this felt way worse than the tailspin I flew into when I read on facebook that my stepbrother broke his spine. (True story! My family is soooo good at communicating bad news! Oh, and Brandon is fine- albeit he’ll be in pain and have back issues for the rest of his life- despite breaking his back, just in case you were worried.)

So, yeah, I was kinda freaking out.

I bolted down stairs and made Drew read it. I think he was only half dressed after just getting out of the shower. Although, now that I think about it, the closed door to the bathroom wouldn’t have stopped me in the least. Upon sharing this news with him, I made Drew text Dad while I tried to think of who would send me something like that.

I went through a mental checklist of people:  It couldn’t be my step-mom, I already have her number. And Brandon & Andrew- they’re both in my phone too. And for my Dad’s brothers and sisters, well, they would all have a different area code. So then my thoughts went to family friends- there was one that Drew and I agreed upon. The only thing about that was that particular family friend was stored in Drew’s phone, and the number didn’t match the one from the text message.

Finally, I texted Dad myself (as I was driving to work, trying not to freak the fuck out).

I didn’t know I was sick.

Wow, thanks for clearing that up, Dad!

Then he told me that I would know if he was in the hospital.

Good to know!

I’m glad he tried to make light of the situation. I seriously don’t know what I would have done if I would have gotten anything other than what I did receive. I mean, go ahead and call me an alarmist, but dude- that is NOT the way to find out your dad has cancer.

Besides, I should have known better. The rational part of me did know, all along, that Dad was totally fine and that this was simply a wrong number. But there’s always that tiny voice in my head that whispers all the horrible things you never even want to think about. And it never hurts to just make sure.

I never did find out whose dad was doing chemo that morning, nor did I find out from whom the text came.

For just a moment, in my head, I sent up a silent prayer for the family who was going through that, and I hoped that whoever that dad belongs to comes out of that fight on top.

Happy Christmas, everyone!!

Just a real quick post because I have to get back to losing at every game I play today with my family.

I wanted to let you know that today, on this lovely sort-of white Christmas,…

1.) I took the most adorable picture of Chiefy-poo with a bow on his head but forgot the memory card at my Mom’s house (and since I’m at my dad’s house…) so I can’t share that preciousness with you.

2.) I bruised the hell out of my body (particularly my left ass cheek) from when Drew and I went sledding down the hill in our backyard with the tie-dye sleds “Santa” brought for us.

3.) I bruised the hell out of my body (particularly my left ass cheek) from when I went with Chief to go meet Drew out on the frozen lake while he ice skaing. I slipped and fell while trying to carefully navigate my way down the big ass hill in our backyard and bit it. Twice.

4.) I realized today that I wiggle my body when I’m really excited (but mostly it’s reminiscent of the wiggle dogs do when they’re really excited and wagging their tail).

5.) I also just got the pants beat off me in a game of monopoly against my stepbrothers.

All in all, it’s been a pretty great Christmas.

I hope everyone got to spend time with their loved ones and have the merriest christmas everrrrrr!

I remember in the fifth grade, we had to write a memory or something for our silly little yearbook. I remember that I was sitting in the middle pod of desks, next to the boy I had loved since the first day I saw him in third grade. He had broken his arm. Again. Now, I can’t remember what happened to make him break his arm this time. I can think of the time my friend broke her arm by falling off the monkey bars on the playground at recess in elementary school. And I can remember the time my other friend broke her arm when she fell on her rollerblades when we crashed loverboy’s birthday party in sixth grade, but I can’t think of why he broke his arm that time.

That is neither here nor there.

What I wanted to tell you was my memory.

Ding Dong! The witch is dead! Which old witch? The Wicked Witch! Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead!!

I was little, and my parents were still married. We still lived at the house on the lake, the one I remember as my first home even though it wasn’t the first house I lived in as a child. We were outside, and Maggie, our golden retriever, was outside in the driveway with me and Dad. I can’t remember if Mom and Drew were outside with us.

I must have just watched the Wizard of Oz.

Standing at the base of our driveway, by the wooden fence in the front yard, I stood. Though I’m not sure what I was doing down by the fence and the road, I’m sure it was something awesome, like picking grass, or licking rocks, or climbing the rickety, not-made-for-climbing fence. Out of nowhere, I heard something hit the ground with an odd jingle-smack. When I turned to look what it was, I saw that a set of keys had hit the ground behind me. From the sky.

I looked up and saw that the once perfect blue sky was dark, and there were words written in the sky. Don’t ask me what the sky said because I sure as hell can’t remember.  I could swear I saw that mean old, green-faced witch ridin’ off into the sky.

Yeah. That was my memory. That’s the memory I chose to write down to be published.

Really?! I think about that now and just think, Really, Katie? REALLY?! What the hell!?

The best part about this is that I swore that this memory was legit. I would have bet my life on the fact that this actually happened. Of course, when my mom read what I had written down (of course, once this silly little booklet was printed), she had no idea what the hell I was talking about.  The other best part is that I didn’t have a doubt in my mind about the validity of this memory. I didn’t believe I had anything to be embarrassed about by sharing this memory. I believed I had experienced something paranormal, g-d it! I had encountered a physical object falling from the sky! I had seen a witch writing words in the sky!

That was fifth grade. In fifth grade, I still believed  that this memory existed. Who am I?!

I was a weird kid.

Oh, remind me to tell you about the time I ran into a moving van on my bike. Or the time I got my fingers stuck in a wiffle ball. Or the time I found a power tool (drill) and put it to my forehead, turned it on and left a cut in the middle of my forehead. Or the time I played the piano with my face and cried every time I banged my head too hard against the keys.

I bet you’re glad you stuck around to read this.

OH em gee. I TOTALLY almost forgot to post today.

I’ve been like zonked out and totally not aware of anything happening today. It may have everything to do with the fact that I had a little too much fun last night. (Oh wait, you’re pretty used to that at this point….)

1) Vacation is over. I went by so fast!! I am torn between wanting to go back to work and never wanting to work ever again. Mostly, I wish I could just have someone pay me lots of money to do nothing.

2.) I have been pretty irritated that Blackboard hasn’t loaded any of the info on my new class. I was hoping to get my school stuff set up and print my syllabus and everything. I was also hoping to have had time during my vacation to read for the first day of class and do whatever pre-assignment is required. But nooooo. Blackboard had other plans. Apparently, all of the info for my class won’t load on Blackboard until Monday at 5pm. Rude. My class is Tuesday. Nothing like waiting to the last minute! AND TO THINK, THE ONE TIME I WANTED TO PLAN AHEAD AND GET STUFF DONE AHEAD OF SCHEDULE!!! 😦

3.) I really love the Kardashians. I just do. Go ahead and hate.

4.) I had a tonnnnn of fun at my Dad’s house this weekend with my step brother 🙂

5.) HALLOWEEN IS THIS COMING WEEKEND. I CAN’T EVEN TELL YOU HOW EXCITED I AM!!!

6.) Another thing I am insanely excited about: TAYLOR SWIFT’S NEW ALBUM COMES OUT TOMORROW!!!! YAAAAAAY!!!

this is it for today, guys. see you here on Tuesday.

Remember last time I was here and gave you a half-assed blog post because I was hungover?

If you said yes, then you can suck it because despite being hungover, I shared a precious father/daughter moment with you. And you’re an ungrateful little shit.

Okay, let’s be friends again. I really wanna tell you a story.

It’s pretty clear by now that I was a hot damn mess last Saturday night. My antics are still being described to me by those who were present (or received drunk-texts… I was particularly pleased with the ones I sent to my boss. OOOOOPS!). There were some events that I had forgotten took place. That’s the best, by the way, when your friends let you know about all the dumb shit you did and said DAYS later. (Thanks, guys.)

The point is that because of what a shit-show I was on Saturday, I reached a new level of lazy on Sunday, which, after all, is the day of rest. So go ahead and hate that I did NOTHING but sleep and watch Dawson’s Creek all day long. Just know that Jesus says it’s okay.

I mentioned it on twitter but I totally got a new phone on Sunday. I got myself a Blackberry. WHICH, by the way, they call it a Crackberry for a reason. I’m obsessed. I’m in love. It’s glorious.

Dino is superior to the stupid LG Shine.

I had to get a new phone because my old one just like… stopped working. It kept turning itself off and then told me to insert my sim card and I didn’t get why because my sim card was totally already inserted. Like, all Saturday night while I was trying to drunk-text the shit out of my contacts list, it kept being like “Katie, you’re a drunk bitch and you don’t even deserve me.”  But, we made it through the night alive, so that’s all that matters. Sunday, though, apparently all bets were off because it just decided to really stick it to me and really stop working.

So, to the AT&T store I went, in all my hungover glory and told that little bitch of a phone, “fuck you, I’m getting a smartphone, you idiotpieceofshit.” Just like that.

Luckily for Jon, the poor soul who had to deal with me, I had just showered… kinda recently. And by that I mean an hour before I went. But I didn’t brush my hair or even put make up on (duh). I had gotten up from the couch long enough for me to shower, put some underwear on underneath my sweatpants and brush my teeth before I started another episode of Dawson’s Creek and my brother Skype’d me.

As I walked into the mall from the parking lot, a group of four or five attractive African American gentlemen were walking out right towards me. One of those guys decided to fuck with me. He looked me up and down and was like, “how you doin’, pretty girl?” and I actually laughed at him.  Irony. Bahaha I mean, I did nottttt look “pretty” so he was clearly just rubbing it in. Rude.

Anyway, I got into the AT&T store and decided I should probably remove my sunglasses. And OF COURSE the hottest guy working had to be the one to have to help me. Jeez, this hangover was just fucking me left and right.

Long story short, turns out I was due for an upgrade so I had the best pricing available to me. And when I went to look at phones and figure out which phone I wanted, my hands were shaking so bad I finally told Jon I wasn’t actually a meth-addict or some other drug addicted degenerate despite the looks of me. I told him, “I’m sorry, I’m fine, I’m just really, really hungover.”

Right after that, our conversation flourished and I definitely felt a connection. We had similar attitudes towards drinking and terrorizing East Lansing. It was nice.  We also had a brief conversation about how I repel technology. It was nice as well.

Even during all of this embarrassment, I had resigned myself to the fact that this is just kinda how my life goes. And then I didn’t feel embarrassed. I stood at the counter, watching the Shake Weight commercial on the TV on the wall while he did all the crap he needed to do on the computer and transferring all my contacts and shiz to my new phone. We conversed about how awkward and hilarious that commercial is and I decided that my little hungover adventure into public looking like a huge mess was a success.

I feel pretty good about it.

Add this to the list of conversations you probably don’t need to have with your parents:

stole that quote from Grease

hi dad

hi dad hi hi hi

daaaaad, i loooooove youuuu

dad, my alcohol tolerance is unforgivably low. i blame you. your genes have failed me.

and then FINALLY, I got a text back.

“Hiya Kate, i love you too”

Quickly followed by:

“You’re out of practice, been out of the game. Take a breath, relax, and then sip your cocktail. But don’t give up.”

bahahahaha you’re the best dad everrrrr

“Thanks, you’re the best too.”

In other news, I was embarrassed when I was reminded by Erica that I sent the following text last night:

i peed in a tree.

Knowing me, I am sure I sent that as a mass-text. This is upsetting.

And illegal. Luckily, I’m sneaky and don’t get caught.

So, sorry this one is super short. But like… I’m just in a bad way today. Too much to drink, you know how it goes. bahaha

See ya Tuesday!

xoxoxo