I’m not sure what’s going on lately in my brain but something isn’t right.
I think my problem is that I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve been pretty much a mess since I’ve been home from Europe, but I feel like my internal clock should be back to normal by now. This weekend, I pretty much just slept when I felt tired, which was at weird times. And then Sunday I basically slept all day. I don’t think that’s a problem though because I was still suffering from jetlag then.
Lately, things have just been cray cray. Weird stuff has been happening, stuff I haven’t experienced in my sleep before.
Usually, when I sleep I never remember my dreams or even really feel like I had been dreaming. Lately, I wake up and I know I’ve been dreaming. I still never remember my dreams but I think that’s because every time I wake up, I’m waking up in a panic so the memory of my dream gets pushed away quickly.
In the past, I don’t even really remember waking up in the middle of the night all that often. Sure, I’d wake up right before my alarm went off, but that is totally different than waking up at 3am and wondering what the hell is happening. It’s not even like there’s an alarm or a noise or some kind of event that occurs to make me wake up in the middle of the night. I just all of a sudden become awake and freak out because I don’t know what’s going on.
For instance, last night, as has been the pattern for the last three or four nights, I wake up at, like, 3am and have absolutely NO idea where the hell I am. I wake up all confused and disoriented and it takes a hot minute to figure out that I’m at home in my own bed, sleeping alone. I don’t really know where I think I am when I wake up all confused, but I know that it’s very disturbing. I am so confused that I literally sit up and try looking around, and then get out of bed to get my bearings. That’s when I realize, Oh, no, it’s okay. Go back to bed, you’re fine. You’re at home. On another note, I also am not sure why I start freaking out about why I’m in my bed alone. I wake up in a panic because whoever I think is supposed to be next to me suddenly isn’t anymore.
I’m not even kidding. I spend a good five solid minutes every night, in the middle of the night, trying to figure out what the fuck is happening. And then because I get so worked up, I have to spend another five minutes trying to calm the fuck down and coax myself back to sleep.
I guess I’m just gonna hope for the best and keep my fingers crossed that this behavior eventually just stops and I can resume my normal sleeping behavior. And quickly.
Please keep your fingers crossed that I can sleep through the night.
And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I am finally on the mend from being sick but still don’t feel normal. I’m still a hot damn mess. My daily drug cocktail is outrageous and I am still amazed that I can take so much medication and still feel this awful. My body hurts. I have gone through at least three boxes of Kleenex this week. I have a really sexy cough that sounds like my lungs are rattling. My voice is all snorkly. I sniffle and breathe out of my mouth. It’s disgusting.
I will take this time to tell you that I am well aware that my posts of late have been lacking, even prior to the sickness I have contracted.
To say the very least I have been extremely uninspired. I have come to dread having to sit down to write something. I don’t know what has changed or what is different that has made me feel this way.
Probably four weeks ago, I had my first very serious thought of ending this. I keep thinking I should just give up, quit. And then sometimes I reel it in and think perhaps I’d just take a break, a little hiatus, if you will. But I always talk myself out of it and convince myself that next week, next week will suck less and I’ll churn out something funny or worth reading. No such luck.
So, let me just put it out there: I am so sorry. I am sorry that coming here sucks now. You, my dear reader, are wonderful, and every time you visit my blogy-blog, I am so grateful. Truly. Even when you just pop by on accident or when you click on over and read without comment- I appreciate it. Even when you search something weird, like “dogs pooping on couch” or “grandma is obsessed with me” and end up here wondering what kind of fuckery is this?!, I’m glad you came by at all. If my words matter to you and/or if you look forward to getting a glimpse at how I view the world, I am sorry I have been really sucking it up lately.
I just wanted to acknowledge to you that I am well aware that it hasn’t been good lately.
Or, if you’re thinking it’s never been good and why do I even bother, then, well, uhmmmm… I guess this is just confirmation. So, good job! Go me, for reinforcing your original thought.
Here’s my promise: I will start putting forth real effort. I will try to feel excited about blogging again. I will plan ahead. I will recapture my child-like wonder. I will tell you about my love of Smokey the Bear. I will tell you things I’m excited about. I’ll reinvest myself in you. I will reinvest in accomplishing a personal goal. I will follow-through. Even when I don’t feel like it.
I feel good about this. Thanks for listening!
Check back! Hold me accountable! Harass me when you hate something I do or say! Tell me what you want to read about! Let me know if something makes you laugh- or if you feel the same way!