Tag Archive: anxiety


Sweet baby Jesus. It is currently 11:34 pm Thursday, June 9.  I just realized it is Thursday and I hadn’t posted yet.

I’ve been working on a finance case study and feeling anxiety about my final project for my econ class.

I’m also getting sick again.  It started with a stuffy nose yesterday. I woke up this morning feeling like death.  I decided to skip the gym and sleep until I felt better. I finally got up at 11am because I was already disgusted with myself for sleeping that late in the day, despite the fact that I was not feeling well.  All day long I felt extreme sinus pressure and my voice sounded a little off.  Now my throat is killing me and I just hope this goes away before Thursday, when I board my plane for London.

This is how today began:

Strugz City!

Today, obviously, didn’t go as planned.

When I went to get my oil changed, I realized that the hood of my car wouldn’t pop open.  The dude at the oil change place was little to no help and when I called my parents (yes, both of them), they didn’t really tell me anything I wasn’t already thinking.  I decided to take my car to the dealership and be like WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?! Except, I didn’t tell them about the scary noise it makes; I didn’t want them to take my car away from me! I just told the man that my little latchy-thing didn’t work and that the top part of my car wouldn’t open.

I spent the next hour and forty-seven minutes of my life listening to the Doppler radar report in the sitting/waiting area in the car dealership and reading the latest Newsweek.

Turns out the latch for the hood was corroded (or something???), so, for $20, they repaired that for me.  Then, they changed my oil because the man knew that I needed to get that done.  And they replaced my air filter because mine was apparently “pretty nasty looking.”

I mean, I guess I could have said no, but meh… if it’s something I’m breathing on a regular basis, I suppose I would like that to be clean.

So, 75 dollhairs later, I left the dealership and drove like a bat out of hell to Best Buy.

While I was waiting Janine (my car) to be finished with her high-maintenance bullshit, I had received a phone call from the Geek Squad at Best Buy, alerting me that my computer (JOY!) was ready to be picked up.  When I got there, I had to wait in line (Sucktown!) but I had ample time to people-watch, one of my favorite activities.  Finally, I was reunited with my computer, who had gotten a brand new motherboard.  All of my data remained on my hard-drive and everything was normal and perfect.

Obviously, the day turned into this:

Now I’m going to continue with my finance case study and drink some tea to ease my sore throat.

Please think happy thoughts and send me some “get better” vibes so I won’t be sick while I’m in Europe!! Also, thinking some “I hope you get the job you interviewed for this week!” vibes wouldn’t hurt either.

Believe it or not, I really am trying to get all my ducks in a row…

 

I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that I have created a safe guard against my increasing anxiety as the date of my departure creeps towards me.

Just today I had a mini-meltdown in the shower as I went through my mental checklist of things to do before I leave.  And my list was mainly academic.  It had nothing to do with all the other shit outside of school I need to get ready/buy/organize/plan.  I was running through the next 15 days in my head and worrying how I was to get all of my assignments done (and on time!) prior to my flight out of the lovely US of A.

I’m not sure if I’ve told you all about my trip to Europe this summer, but please don’t worry- there is more information to come.

I just wanted to let you all know right now that I took my color coding and organization to the next level today.

In a slight attempt to further procrastinate writing my ECON paper, I opened up Microsoft Excel and began building myself an Assignment & Due Date Matrix.

Why, yes, I am aware of what a nerd I am.

You can make fun of me all you want, I don’t mind.  I’ll be sitting here, stress-free and on top of all of my assignments because of it.  AND, I’ll get to feel the satisfaction of checking something off of this very specific to-do list. It’s all pretty and perfect and it’s all mine.

The best part is that as soon as it was complete, I immediately felt better about everything. Usually, when I create a to-do list or write something in my planner, I can feel good that it’s written down and won’t be forgotten.

Now, I know that instead of dreaming about failing all three of my classes this summer, I’ll start having stress dreams about what to pack for my trip.

I fucking hate packing.

If you were going out of the country for three weeks and could only bring one fifty pound bag, one carry-on, and one personal item, what would you bring??? Also, do you have any packing strategies? I’m going to need all the help I can get.

I haven’t missed a day of blogging since I started this here blog.

Sure, there have been days that I haven’t felt like it. And days when you can tell I was only posting because I had to, because it was my own personal commitment.  And days when I put forth as little effort as possible for various reasons such as I’m lazy or I had procrastinated too much and had too much homework to put forth the effort and time to write a quality post.  And days when I half-ass it just cause I can (do we recall those Sunday lists from a while back?)

But there have been those rare days when I actually say something funny. Or tell you a story of how I’m dumb.

I guess my point is, I feel like most of the time I don’t suck and I do try to post something worth reading.

Today, friends, is just not one of those days.

I’m in a funk and I can’t even talk about it.  I’m stressed the fuck out and completely consumed by this anxiety.

I’m trying not to be an alarmist, but I’m freaking out.

 

Also, I really miss Gilmore Girls. That show never should have ended the way it did. Fuck you, CW. Thanks for ruining my life.

Oh, and fuck you, too, FOX, for canceling the OC.

Life ruiners.

Well, I got my car washed today.

This was stupid on a few accounts:

1.)    Hi, I live in Michigan where it snows, like, every day. My car is going to get covered in snow and salt and slush and dirt and all kinds of crazy shit in less than a day. Dumb.

2.)    Some of the simplest parts of the process of the carwash confuse me

  1. I never know when to put my car in neutral
  2. I feel like an idiot when I ask when I’m supposed to put the car in neutral

3.)     The carwash scares the hell out of me.

4.)    I was by myself and the carwash scares the hell out of me.

I know I’ve talked about this before, but seriously, it’s as relevant today as it was then.

Now, in my recent history with going through the carwash, I have had someone in the car with me to distract me from my meltdown.  Actually, I can really only recall my family and Megan going through the carwash with me in recent history, and those times include my family and Megan mostly just laughing hysterically at me and doing nothing to help me chill the fuck out.

Dicks.

I’d say it’s an irrational fear, but I’m pretty sure I understand the reasoning behind this fear I have. So, I won’t say it because then it would be false.

It pretty much all goes back to how I constantly worry I’m going to die.

Oh, and confined spaces kinda freak me out.

Oh, and I really don’t like how it gets all dark and my car is moving magically by itself (WHAT’S THAT ABOUT?!!?) and the noise the washy things make and how the blow-dryers spew fire to get rid of the water.

ZOMG Creeps!

Just imagine if for some reason the magic spell broke and my car stopped moving but I couldn’t move my car because all the washing rolly things were all in my way and I couldn’t even see because the wipey things were covering all my windows and mirrors and then something went wrong that caused the blow-dryers to blow their fire too fiercely that made the fire spread and feed off the chemicals in the soap and water did nothing to stop anything and then the garage doors closed due to some type of malfunction and I died of carbon monoxide poisoning because my car was still on and I was not even aware that the doors were closed.

WHAT THEN?!

At least then all of you little dickholes who make fun of me for being scared of the carwash would feel really guilty because it turned out all my worst fears about it came true.

If you ask me, Mandy Moore can do no wrong.

I love her.

“Candy”? That’s a good fucking song. I don’t care that it is a hundred years old and bubble gum pop. I love it. I don’t even care that Mandy Moore herself hates it. (Someone told me they read or saw something that said that Mandy Moore actually hates hates hates her first single, Candy.) It’s catchy and fun.

I mean it! Look at her! She looks great and that’s a hard haircut to pull off! She rocked it!

I love that she has tried out different haircuts and colors. I’m glad she decided to stick to being a brunette. She’s gorgeous. Also, I even liked her short, pixie cut- you know, the one she rocked in How to Deal.

Speaking of How to Deal, I loved it. Obviously.

Dude, I read the books by Sarah Dessen, then ones from which the movie was adapted.

Mandy Moore did a great job.

I’m pretty sure I own every movie she has been in, actually.

Look, I know that I’m not exactly the harshest critic because I generally enjoy pretty much ever chick-flick ever made, but I think she’s got the chops. You know, acting chops. Isn’t that the term that’s used??

I mean, really, she’s just so… great.

Anyway, this all stems from the fact that I’m watching the season finale (season 6) of Grey’s Anatomy with my brother and Mom. My house is currently Basketcaseville.

Tam was pacing around the living room for the first twelve minutes before she tried to sit in her teal recliner and play a game of spider to no avail. She’s hiding in her room right now. Drew, on the other hand, is at least seated on the couch, but he keeps running his hands through his hair, rubbing his forehead and hiding his face in his shirt.

“I just find this so disturbing,” Tam said, as she emerged from her bedroom, “I just can’t- I can’t- I just can’t….”

She just took the leash, the dog and headed outside while fighting off tears of anxiety.

Luckily I’ve seen the finale. I watched it when it aired and I was a resident of Basketcaseville. I pretty much sat on the couch, biting off my nails and either crying or on the verge of tears throughout the whole two-hour ordeal.

Mandy Moore, man. That’s all I’m saying. She’s a patient in this finale, and I’m telling you: It’s epic.

I have a secret.

Also, if you should know anything about me, it’s that I cannot keep a secret to save my life. It doesn’t matter if the secret belongs to someone else (even though I really, really try to keep it) or if it’s my own secret. I just can’t do it.

Close friends have realized this and found coping mechanisms to deal with it. Generally speaking, I think it’s safe to say that I’m among the last people to know things because of my inability to shut my trap. I really shouldn’t wonder or get my feelings hurt because I’m the last to know but sometimes I forget that it’s my own doing that makes all of that necessary.

I know we’re already half way through the year, but maybe I’ll have a resolution now? Must. Keep. Secrets.

Bahaha who am I kidding? That’ll never happen.

Anyway, that brings me to my secret.

Are you ready? Really, really ready?

I hate the car wash.

It is not one car wash place in particular; I hate them all. They freak me out.

You know how it’s rude to bring animals through the car wash because they don’t understand it and it scares them, and it’s cruel to put them through that kind of stress? It’s the same thing with me.

So, today, Drew, Mom and I went out to lunch. And, like normal, Mom decided she’d run some impromptu errands while she had us child-locked in the vehicle. Drew complained, like normal, and I panicked, like normal, when she told us she was just going to get the car washed.

Mom and Drew just don’t understand that my anxiety is for realz. I get all jittery and beady-eyed. It’s like I turn into some wimpy, insane version of the Hulk or something. The second the employee takes the money and gives the instruction to put the car in neutral, I start freaking out. I lose all ability of rational thought and react solely on instinct. My instinct is to hate hate hate the car wash.  My heart races and I feel like I’m gonna dry heave and/or die. My eyes dart around the vehicle, following the evilness that are those giant things that wipe down the outside of the car. The power of the water makes a scary noise. How the car moves confuses me and makes me think dark magic is real.  The fans at the end blow fire. How is that safe?!?!

By nature, I’m kind of a loud human being. I screech and scream just to convey my anxiety and hatred of the car wash. Even when I’m by myself, I still freak the eff out. I do, however, try not to go alone because I hate it that much.

Drew usually just mocks me and is deeply entertained by how freaked out I get.

Not cool.

Do you have any weird secrets? Are you freaked out by things you probably have no business being freaked out by? Share!!