Tag Archive: jesus


On Monday morning, one of my coworkers alerted me that the world was predicted to be ending this coming Friday, as in Tomorrow. She said she heard on the radio that we could forget about coming into work on Saturday because the world was ending Friday night. I don’t know if this was a national prediction or if it was just one that was spread through West Michigan, but either way, I guess people were pretty serious about it on Monday morning.

Obviously, she was sharing this news with us to mock the crazy people who 1.) predicted this, and 2.) called into the radio station to discuss their plans for the week to prepare for the world ending on Friday night.  In fact, the seven minutes following her divulgence of this information, those of us in the office mocked the general public and made sarcastic comments about not being “saved” and how we’d be left on earth to face Hell (except I was serious about experiencing hell- because let’s get real, I’m definitely on God’s shit list).

Seriously, if I’m going to believe anyone about the world ending, I’m going to believe the Mayans or Aztecs or whoever the fuck came up with that calendar that ends in 2012. (I’m clearly well-versed in end-of-the-world conspiracy theories.) I just feel like that’s probably legit.  At least, more legit than some rando hyper-religious alcoholic/meth-head cult leader sitting in a lazyboy in the middle of a corn field during his four day bender shouting at his cows that the world is going to end. I mean, that profile may not be accurate, but it’s probably pretty close.

If the world does end tomorrow night, though, I’m gonna be pretty pissed.  I did not live this week as if it was my last.  I mean, I did get drunk on a Monday night and I did get to color code my planner up to the first week of July, but that is just not enough.  I mean, just today I spent my free time this evening finding a new ringtone, doodling in my econ notebook because I didn’t feel like thinking, poking around on facebook, twitter and tumblr, making dinner and taking care of Chiefy, who, incidentally, is experiencing some health issues.

The world just can’t end tomorrow. I haven’t had a chance to wear out my new ringtone. I haven’t had a chance to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. I haven’t gone on my Study Abroad trip yet! I still have Taylor Swift’s concert to look forward to in July. My driver’s license doesn’t expire until 2013! I have food in the fridge that is still good after tomorrow.

Even if the world ends tomorrow and a bunch of people get to be saved by Jesus, I hope I’m left here.  With all the other ruffians and rejects. It’ll probably be more fun anyway because the only people left will be those with a sick sense of humor and a moral compass that doesn’t point due north, like myself. We’ll have a blast. And that way, I can still use my non-expired driver’s license and enjoy all the food still in the fridge. And all of Hollywood will still be here (because they’re fucked), so I can still see HP7.2 in July when I get home from Europe. Basically, my life will be no different.

So, I guess, here’s what I have to say about the end of the world, should it come tomorrow night: bring it. I’m ready.

I guess this might see unrelated, but maybe I'll do this sexy hair shake in preparation for the world ending.

This evening of Easter, I don’t have much to say.  It’s been a day full of family-time, and it’s been really nice.   I can’t say I’m really religious, but I counted today as a win the moment I stepped into church this morning and didn’t bust into flames.

With that said, I will leave you with this:

I didn’t have any pictures of bunnies or Jesus saved on my computer, so this’ll have to do.

I can also tell you this quick anecdote about a nerd-alert moment I had at the bar last weekend:

Me, to a man/boy I’d never met or seen before: IF HARRY POTTER WAS REAL, WHAT HOUSE WOULD YOU BE IN?!

Him: I FUCKING HATE HARRY POTTER!

Me, to Seneca: He’s probably in Slytherin.

Harry Potter Nerd Alert!! I’m in love and can’t get enough!!!

So, last Friday night, I stayed in and browsed Amazon for movies I wanted.

I know, a real wild night.

Tam and I had been discussing how badly we want to see the remake of Arthur, you know, the one with Russell Brand.  Yeah, it’s a remake of a hilarious yet old movie with Dudley Moore (RIP). She wants to see the remake because she loves the original and thought Dudley Moore was a cutie. I want to see the new one because I think Russell Brand is excellent.  And there’s a Harry Potter reference in the film, so I was pretty much sold based solely on that fact.

I bet you’re wondering what we purchased on Amazon.

Well, we got the original Arthur. For some reason, we no longer owned that movie.

$4.99! Can you believe that?! Sweet baby Jesus, I love Amazon.

And we also purchased Annie.

Can you believe I didn’t previously own Annie?! HOW COULD THAT BE?! SACRE BLEU!! MON DIEU!

Annie is pretty much the first musical, besides Grease, I learned in its entirety. In fact, I remember putting on “shows” with songs from Annie for my parents when I was a wee little one.

I mean, you guys know me; I quote Annie all the time.  There isn’t a week that goes by that “bet my bottom dollar” doesn’t sneak out of my lips.

Carol Burnett is a genius.

Well here’s the highlight of my day: the movies came in the mail today. Win.

Tam and I just watched Arthur and I was a gigglebox the whole time! Now, I have just begun watching Annie, and, while I am definitely enjoying myself, there is one thing by which I am perplexed.

Annie has what I would refer to as a mullet.  She’s got this weird ginger afro that oddly works. But then she’s got these weird, tiny braids that come off the bottom.  What’s that about?

I guess I’ll overlook the mullet and just pretend it’s not there.

What’s your favorite throwback movie? Do you have a thing for musicals like me?? I just don’t think there’s a musical I’ve met that I haven’t loved.

I have trouble with time.

I don’t understand it.

I’m confused by it.

I don’t understand daylight savings time. WTF is that about? WHY?! How can places just decide they will not partake in the confusion?! I don’t know about other states, but I know Indiana was one of those places to stick it to the man and say no! Although, I think I read that even they gave in.

Anyway, what I really mean is that I’m generally confused about the timing of things. I have trouble placing events in a timeline.

Not, like, recent events. Oh no, big, historical (?) events. I just can’t keep things straight.

Last Christmas, my family was discussing this very thing and it became clear to everyone that I’m an idiot.

I came up with the idea of negative time.

The way I see it, everything ties back to Jesus, and that’s confusing to me.

Last Wednesday, Drew called me to wish me a happy birthday. The phone call quickly turned into a quiz about time. It wasn’t until I had exhausted my list of events to place on my timeline did he even get the chance to say anything at all about my birthday.

When did the dinosaurs exist?!

Really?

Before or after Jesus?

*his soul dies a little bit* Before.

Negative time!

Yes, Katie, negative time. *soul dies a little more*

What about Christopher Columbus? Before or after Jesus?!

Seriously?

Drew! Tell me!

After.

What about the vikings!

Dark ages.

You know what I mean.

790s to 1066 AD.

That’s not negative time?

No.

What about cavemen?

Prehistoric. Very, very BC. Like 10,000 BC.

Like the movie?

Yes.

That means… before Jesus. Negative time.

Yes.

What about…. the movie Ice Age!? When was that? That’s negative time too?

Yes. Because cavemen show up in the very end of the third movie.

When we were speaking on the phone on my birthday, I heard chuckling. Then I heard a lot of chuckling. And that was when I knew that there was a small group listening in on our conversation. His fraternity brothers heard me sound like an idiot, asking for an explanation for shit everyone already understands.

But, the best part is, he still at least explains it. He still goes through the motions of trying to make me understand.  My brother is one of the good ones.

Remember last time I was here and gave you a half-assed blog post because I was hungover?

If you said yes, then you can suck it because despite being hungover, I shared a precious father/daughter moment with you. And you’re an ungrateful little shit.

Okay, let’s be friends again. I really wanna tell you a story.

It’s pretty clear by now that I was a hot damn mess last Saturday night. My antics are still being described to me by those who were present (or received drunk-texts… I was particularly pleased with the ones I sent to my boss. OOOOOPS!). There were some events that I had forgotten took place. That’s the best, by the way, when your friends let you know about all the dumb shit you did and said DAYS later. (Thanks, guys.)

The point is that because of what a shit-show I was on Saturday, I reached a new level of lazy on Sunday, which, after all, is the day of rest. So go ahead and hate that I did NOTHING but sleep and watch Dawson’s Creek all day long. Just know that Jesus says it’s okay.

I mentioned it on twitter but I totally got a new phone on Sunday. I got myself a Blackberry. WHICH, by the way, they call it a Crackberry for a reason. I’m obsessed. I’m in love. It’s glorious.

Dino is superior to the stupid LG Shine.

I had to get a new phone because my old one just like… stopped working. It kept turning itself off and then told me to insert my sim card and I didn’t get why because my sim card was totally already inserted. Like, all Saturday night while I was trying to drunk-text the shit out of my contacts list, it kept being like “Katie, you’re a drunk bitch and you don’t even deserve me.”  But, we made it through the night alive, so that’s all that matters. Sunday, though, apparently all bets were off because it just decided to really stick it to me and really stop working.

So, to the AT&T store I went, in all my hungover glory and told that little bitch of a phone, “fuck you, I’m getting a smartphone, you idiotpieceofshit.” Just like that.

Luckily for Jon, the poor soul who had to deal with me, I had just showered… kinda recently. And by that I mean an hour before I went. But I didn’t brush my hair or even put make up on (duh). I had gotten up from the couch long enough for me to shower, put some underwear on underneath my sweatpants and brush my teeth before I started another episode of Dawson’s Creek and my brother Skype’d me.

As I walked into the mall from the parking lot, a group of four or five attractive African American gentlemen were walking out right towards me. One of those guys decided to fuck with me. He looked me up and down and was like, “how you doin’, pretty girl?” and I actually laughed at him.  Irony. Bahaha I mean, I did nottttt look “pretty” so he was clearly just rubbing it in. Rude.

Anyway, I got into the AT&T store and decided I should probably remove my sunglasses. And OF COURSE the hottest guy working had to be the one to have to help me. Jeez, this hangover was just fucking me left and right.

Long story short, turns out I was due for an upgrade so I had the best pricing available to me. And when I went to look at phones and figure out which phone I wanted, my hands were shaking so bad I finally told Jon I wasn’t actually a meth-addict or some other drug addicted degenerate despite the looks of me. I told him, “I’m sorry, I’m fine, I’m just really, really hungover.”

Right after that, our conversation flourished and I definitely felt a connection. We had similar attitudes towards drinking and terrorizing East Lansing. It was nice.  We also had a brief conversation about how I repel technology. It was nice as well.

Even during all of this embarrassment, I had resigned myself to the fact that this is just kinda how my life goes. And then I didn’t feel embarrassed. I stood at the counter, watching the Shake Weight commercial on the TV on the wall while he did all the crap he needed to do on the computer and transferring all my contacts and shiz to my new phone. We conversed about how awkward and hilarious that commercial is and I decided that my little hungover adventure into public looking like a huge mess was a success.

I feel pretty good about it.