I have a problem with roadkill.
At 23, I should probably not think of wild animals in terms of Disney creatures that have homes and families and feelings. I know it seems ridiculous, but I just can’t help it. In my head, I only see Bambi’s mom, or the Beaver family from the Chronicles of Narnia, or Simba and how he ran away from Pride Rock after Mufasa’s death. These poor animals have others counting on them; they have responsibilities and a family to come home to.
When I see a raccoon’s guts splayed on the side of the road or a deer laying broken on the shoulder, my heart breaks.
On my way to work last week, I burst into tears when I saw a black cat squished in the middle of the road. I cried for the little girl who loved that cat with her whole heart, I cried for the other kitty cat friends that Blackie had, and I cried for the person who hit the kitty and killed it.
It’s so sad to me and I can’t help but be really, really upset by it.
I hoped that I had hit my quota for roadkill for the week, but it seems that the universe had other plans. Yesterday, I experienced the most traumatizing roadkill event to date. I probably won’t tell it right or be able to express how deeply upset I was by this, but I’m going to try.
I was driving to meet my brother for dinner when this occurred. I was driving happily, listening to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows on CD, and I was halfway to my destination. Just as I was picking up my phone from the passenger’s seat of my car to call Drew to ask him where he wanted to go for dinner, it happened.
By chance, I happened to notice a deer on the shoulder of the highway. I can’t remember now what it was that made me come to this conclusion, but something told me that something wasn’t right about this deer. For one, it was not dead. I could see its eyes and they were wide open. Then, all of a sudden, it was picking itself up off the pavement, only it wasn’t going as it should have.
It all happened pretty fast, and I was driving as I was watching this, but I did see enough to be traumatized.
Poor Deery was having trouble standing up and I could tell that something was very wrong with her (I’m assuming?) hindquarters. Deery couldn’t put any weight on her back legs. She began dragging her back legs as she tried to get away from the highway and the cars driving so fast past her. I had passed her and my vision was blurry with hot tears when I had dialed Drew via speed-dial on my phone. By the time he picked up the phone, I was in the throes of a full-blown grief-meltdown.
What was so upsetting to me was that I did not see any vehicle near her that looked like it had been hit by a dear. I didn’t see anyone around other than me and the other cars driving past this suffering animal. I couldn’t understand how someone could hit a deer and leave it to die in such a painful and agonizing way. The fact that where she had been hit was on top of a hill worried me. Without the ability to use her back legs, how was she to navigate that hill to get back into the wooded safe haven? I think about it now and my heart hurts. I imagine that she fell down the hill and lay at the bottom, wishing to die because of the pain. It is terrible, but I would have preferred someone shot her or something, to put her out of her misery. It isn’t fair.
I explained what happened to Drew through thick sobs. He laughed at me.
After crying my eyes out and having him listen to me wail wordlessly, I tried to change the subject. He didn’t because he probably didn’t want to seem insensitive since I was so obviously upset. He’s such a good brother.
When I finally got the words out to ask him where we should go to dinner, he replied, “Well there’s this new venison place…”
That’s when a sob escaped and I hung up on him. I grabbed a mostly clean napkin off the passenger seat and wiped my eyes and blew my nose.
He called back.
“That wasn’t nice,” I cried.
He was joking and he was trying to make me laugh, but I wasn’t ready yet. So I cried on the phone some more, cursed society and contemplated calling the police (or ANYBODY!) to have them come rescue Deery (or at least end her suffering).
I didn’t call the police, but I haven’t been able to get the image of that poor deer dragging its back legs out of my head.
I just can’t handle roadkill. It really hurts my heart.
And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know I’ve found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
I am finally on the mend from being sick but still don’t feel normal. I’m still a hot damn mess. My daily drug cocktail is outrageous and I am still amazed that I can take so much medication and still feel this awful. My body hurts. I have gone through at least three boxes of Kleenex this week. I have a really sexy cough that sounds like my lungs are rattling. My voice is all snorkly. I sniffle and breathe out of my mouth. It’s disgusting.
I will take this time to tell you that I am well aware that my posts of late have been lacking, even prior to the sickness I have contracted.
To say the very least I have been extremely uninspired. I have come to dread having to sit down to write something. I don’t know what has changed or what is different that has made me feel this way.
Probably four weeks ago, I had my first very serious thought of ending this. I keep thinking I should just give up, quit. And then sometimes I reel it in and think perhaps I’d just take a break, a little hiatus, if you will. But I always talk myself out of it and convince myself that next week, next week will suck less and I’ll churn out something funny or worth reading. No such luck.
So, let me just put it out there: I am so sorry. I am sorry that coming here sucks now. You, my dear reader, are wonderful, and every time you visit my blogy-blog, I am so grateful. Truly. Even when you just pop by on accident or when you click on over and read without comment- I appreciate it. Even when you search something weird, like “dogs pooping on couch” or “grandma is obsessed with me” and end up here wondering what kind of fuckery is this?!, I’m glad you came by at all. If my words matter to you and/or if you look forward to getting a glimpse at how I view the world, I am sorry I have been really sucking it up lately.
I just wanted to acknowledge to you that I am well aware that it hasn’t been good lately.
Or, if you’re thinking it’s never been good and why do I even bother, then, well, uhmmmm… I guess this is just confirmation. So, good job! Go me, for reinforcing your original thought.
Here’s my promise: I will start putting forth real effort. I will try to feel excited about blogging again. I will plan ahead. I will recapture my child-like wonder. I will tell you about my love of Smokey the Bear. I will tell you things I’m excited about. I’ll reinvest myself in you. I will reinvest in accomplishing a personal goal. I will follow-through. Even when I don’t feel like it.
I feel good about this. Thanks for listening!
Check back! Hold me accountable! Harass me when you hate something I do or say! Tell me what you want to read about! Let me know if something makes you laugh- or if you feel the same way!