Tag Archive: doctors


I have talked a lot lately about how sick I have been.

The thing is… I really thought I was getting better.

Even when I went to hang out with Grandma yesterday, I kept talking about how much better I feel from the misery I experienced last week, when I thought I wanted to die.  No matter how many times I watched Tangled, I still felt like death.  I still went to bed taking a pretty intense drug cocktail and woke up each morning taking that same mix of medications.

I have since weaned myself off of most of the drugs and have been living life among the living and well. Finally.

Except a couple days ago, I noticed that every time I yawned my throat screamed at me to stop doing that. It was always like, Bitch, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. But, like, sometimes you just gotta yawn. Just like sometimes, when I’m at the grocery store and I am reaching to the top shelf to try to grab a box of risotto and a stretch comes outta nowhere, you just gotta go with it. So yeah, I just stood on that bottom shelf at the store and stretched my body all over the other types of rice on the shelves. I didn’t care that it was a Saturday afternoon and there were hoards of people walking by. You just gotta go with it. You can’t fight it. Because it just feels too good.

So as I was sitting on the couch, just doing nothing and basking in my unshowered sickness, I yawned. I disregarded my throat’s warning and immediately wished I had stifled the shit out of that yawn.

My throat is on fire.

At first it was just when I yawned or when I swallowed. And it came and went, or I just didn’t notice it.  But tonight, the fire is raging unapologetically. My throat is not speaking to me other than to say fuck you; I hurt, too.

So we’re both very unhappy and I’m at a loss. I took some Tylenol to help with the pain, but it hurt going down and I just want to find a garden gnome and drop kick it. I feel like that sensation would make me feel better. I mean, I’m trying my best to not yawn. And not swallow. (Not in a dirty way, you sickos!) Which, let me tell you, is difficult.

I keep being told to go back to the doctor, but I’m seriously avoiding that. I just found a doctor locally and I don’t want them to think I’m using them to get drugs. I’m really not. I just haven’t been this sick in a while and it’s not my fault that I had a muscle spasm and then got a really nasty sinus infection and that my muscle spasm didn’t go away for, like, two weeks. I can’t help it that now that all of that original stuff seems like it has finally sorted itself out, my throat is filled with the wrath of the devil.

My life is so hard.

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I have issues with my eyes.

Before this year, I could go weeks- months, even!- without changing my contacts. All of a sudden, this year, like clockwork, my eyes let me know it is TIME to change my contacts.

Also, lately, at night, my eyes do this weird thing where they just… don’t really work very well. Mostly because my contacts get fuzzy and my eyes just don’t like it. Megan calls it night blindness.

Here is another fact for you: I’m a terrible driver.

Now, I know you’re probably wondering how these are all related. Let me tell you, friends, they’re not really related at all.  Except, of course, that they kind of are.

It seems that despite the fact that all of these things are true, people still choose to

1) get in a vehicle with me

2) allow me to drive

3) allow me to drive with them in my vehicle in the evening hours

People fear for their lives.

Well, hello! I can’t see!

And it has nothing to do with my prescription. My eye doctor is sexyyyyy and quoted lines from The Hangover back and forth with me and was not married. Win. Win. Win. My prescription is totally perfect and my contacts work. Except when they don’t. Which is exactly every two weeks (I should really follow accuvue’s instructions.)

Something magical happened, though. Just last Friday, my contacts started doing that weird thing. That thing that makes it feel like I have acid in my eyes. It makes me feel like my cornea is conspiring with my retina, like they’re packing up their belongings and getting the eff out of town until I decide to take care of them and replace the plastic that covers them on a daily basis.

Last Friday, I took my contacts out. And washed them down the sink. (I don’t know if that’s okay to do but I do it sometimes.) I did this, knowing I didn’t have back-up contacts with me. I also knew there was no way I was going to be wearing my glasses for days. I already did that a couple times this year because my eyes were so angry with me. So, being resourceful and part-genius, I asked Drew if he had contacts with my same prescription because last time I knew we totally matched. He said he did.

It wasn’t until I washed my contacts away that he/we realized he most definitely does not have the same prescription as I do. He is -4.00 and -3.50. That is not the same as -3.75 in each eye.

Remember how I said I was part-genius? The part that is not-so-genius asked, “Should I just wear one of each to balance it out??”

Drew said, “No.”

We decided that I was to wear the -4.00s in each of my eyes. The magical thing is that I can see just fine! Imagine that!!

I’m still a terrible driver, and my passengers last night to and from seeing A-Team still risked their lives, but I noticed a difference. Ever-so-slightly, there was an improvement.

Megan even noticed. I know this because when she asked me if I wanted to hang out tonight, she said this:

you gonna put Drew’s contacts in again so you can drive?

Would you consider yourself a “good driver?” Do you have a friend who makes you grab the “oh shit!” bar when they drive? Have you ever thrown up in someone’s car?? Share a driving story in a comment!!