Tag Archive: sad


 

I don’t know how to reach you.

I don’t know how to be there for you. I don’t know what to say or how to talk to you.

I know that you’re going through something and that nothing I say or do will make it hurt less.

You’re my best friend and I love you. I love you beyond words and it hurts me that I can’t help you.

Because you’re hurting, I let the fact that you hurt my feelings go.  I didn’t tell you that it hurts me when you don’t tell me these things. I didn’t tell you that I can still hear your voice in my head, replaying that time you told me I’m not good at feelings and that I’m the last person on earth with whom anyone should talk about emotions. I didn’t tell you that hearing about what happened after the fact, after you had already spilled your heart to the other leg of the Tripod, as you do every single time you have any real emotions, I felt sad and left-out.

I don’t tell you these things because, this time, it’s not about me.

You were there for me when I needed you. When I cried countless times because my heart hurt over the complete deterioration of the friendship I had with my so-called best friend, you were there. Even when I repeated myself and when you couldn’t understand how I could be feeling the way I was, you listened. You listened, and you cared, and you showed up when I needed you.

I’m so sorry that you feel I haven’t done the same for you.

I wish you’d talk to me and stop shutting me out.  I wish things didn’t feel so weird. I don’t understand what happened or even how to make it better.

I don’t know what to say.

Sometimes people just need space. Sometimes it just takes time to sort through all of those thoughts and feelings. That’s what I thought I was doing, giving you time and space to feel sad and mend your broken heart.  But it’s been a few days now and I haven’t heard anything and we haven’t talked.  I don’t like how we left things.

I don’t know how to make this better. You know I’m no good with confrontation, not when it’s something like this.  Not when it feels like there’s something as awesome as the Tripod at stake.  Things feel fragile and I can’t see where to step to make a move.

For once, I feel like I don’t know you. I feel like I don’t know how to read you. You feel so far away. I can’t figure out what you’re thinking or try to guess how you’d respond to any of the actions I have almost made.

I just miss you is all. I want things to go back to normal, and I want you to talk to me. I want to be there for you. I want you to tell me that you’re hurting but that our friendship matters.

I don’t know how to reach you.

I imagine that someday when I have babies and have to leave them somewhere it will feel like when I have to leave Chief behind.

Every time I walk out the door, I always do that last look back as I say “bye bye, baby!” and my heart breaks a little bit. His sad eyes stare back at me and he sits in the hallway, just looking at me with a face that just begs, “Please take me with you!”

The same thing happened, as it does every day, when I went to leave to run an errand. (I needed ink for my printer.) But then, lightbulb!, I had a thought.

Chief is well-behaved!

He can come with me!

Where is his leash?

Where is your leash, Chiefy?!

He started to wiggle and began searching for his red leash.

We finally found it and he hopped into the car. Away we went!

I have a hard time remembering all the things we can do with Chief because we couldn’t do a lot of things with Tag. Tag was too high-strung and protective. While he was more of a snuggle-bug than Chief is, he went into protect mode when someone came to the door. He got too excited to control himself when he was out on a walk or traveling in the car.  Single minded to the point of recklessness is what I used to say to describe him.

It makes me sad to think about Tag and how he’s not here anymore.

Anyway, Chief is super calm and doesn’t get all kinds of crazy when he gets excited. The only weird thing is that he sits backwards in the car. He also is not amused by an open window and the wind in his face.  I don’t think we share the same taste in music and he doesn’t listen when I talk to him as I drive.

Having my dog in the car with me as I ran around town made me happy. I just kept thinking that that’s what it must feel like for those people who take their yorkie or Chihuahua with them everywhere they go. Only, I wasn’t as obnoxious as those people because my dog is huge, soft and adorable and he’s not twitchy and weird.

So yeah, I guess having a dog is just like having a baby.

I don’t usually remember my dreams.

But sometimes I do.

And I have noticed a pattern to it.

The only dreams I remember are the ones where I’m about to die.

I just can't look at it the same way....

Like that time I dreamt that my house was being broken into and explosions were going off and there was a hostage situation. Or that time I dreamt that a man lived down the street had lured me into his creepy-as-fuck house only for me to find my loved ones and close, beloved family friends all dead, hanging like marionettes (read: *NSYNC-style) in boxes in his giant living room and him chasing me around his property with a sawed-off shotgun and machete. Or that time I dreamt I was being locked in some type of school gymnasium with a fuck-ton of people because wherever the hell we were was on “lockdown” and we were all safe in the gym but then some man told us we have “two minutes to get out because this place is gonna blow the fuck up” and I woke up in a panic.

 

SEE?! This is not okay!!

I woke up this morning and my face was wet and I couldn’t breathe.

I woke up and realized I had been crying in my sleep.

This time was different. I wasn’t dreaming I was dying or about to die. I dreamt that Drew had died.

Why the fuck?! WHY?!

Do you know how disturbing that was?!

That’s my baby brother. That cannot happen. Ever. He can never die.

I was a mess in my whole dream. I was running around like a ninny, completely out of control and inconsolable. I was completely irrational and out of my mind. It was awful.

I can’t even talk about it.

1.) All this time, I was convinced that red velvet cake was from the devil. For as long as I can remember, I have vehemently hated red velvet cake. With little to back up my hatred, I stuck to my guns and refused to say anything nice about red velvet cake. Now, it’s like I don’t even know who I am these days. We have some “cake balls” left from the party still, and they’re still delish. The chocolate ones? Divine. Banana? Yum. Pumpkin? Yes please! Red velvet? Fuck no. But then… I really wanted something chocolate and Grandma had eaten the last plain chocolate one, and I was desperate. So I decided I’d give the red velvet one a shot. I took a tiny bite, expecting to dry heave and chuck the cake ball at the floor. But then…. neither of those urges came to me. In fact, I didn’t just tolerate the red velvet to curb my chocolate craving. Oh, no, I went on to eat another one. And then I ate two more for breakfast today. What’s happening to me?

2.) I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part I twice this weekend. I’m not complaining. Shiz, I love love love Harry Potter. I’d watch it every day if I could. I just watched all of the Harry Potter movies and I’m re-reading the 7th book right now. Due to poor planning, when I went to see the 7th movie I hadn’t re-read the 7th book. The book is too sad. I’ve only read it once. And when I saw the movie, I remembered why I had only read it once. I’m such a pansy. I cry at just about everything. The book and movie break my heart.

3.) I dread waking up in the morning. It’s not because I’m not a morning person or because I suck at reacting to my alarm. Actually, when my alarm goes off, I never ever hit the snooze button. I don’t believe in snooze buttons. But that is neither here nor there. When my alarm goes off, I am ready to get up. I hear it and I’m like OKAY MORNING LET’S DO THIS!! Ohhh, no. I dread waking up in the morning because it’s cold and I hate wearing pants. When my alarm goes off, it requires that I get out of my warm, cozy bed and stumble blindly to the bathroom to shower.  No pants. That’s just how I roll. It’s all fun and games until I have to get out of bed and brave the cold.

4.) When I watch the American President, I miss my brother like crazy. I simply cannot wait until he comes home.

5.) I had a whole list of things I wanted to get done this weekend. Do you think any of those things got accomplished? No. Except, actually, I did do one thing. I cleaned out my email inbox.  Luckily, I can cross that off the list I made in my planner. Win.

6.) Here is a snapshot of some of the things I’ve googled today: “doe patronus” “taylor swift lyrics” “kelly clarkson lyrics” “dear john letters” “renee estevez” “rob lowe” “list of idioms”

7.) And last night I google map’d the directions from japan to china because I stumbled upon an image that told me to do just that. So I did. And the image I had stumbled upon said that I would “lol” at #43. I did.