Tag Archive: grace under fire


I’ve been menstruating since, like, sixth grade. Blood coming out of my body is not necessarily a new thing.

But, um, that blood comes out of my vagina. And it’s regular, you know? Like, I can pretty much count on it.  And when I forget about it, I just have to remember the last time I cried in my bed for three days in a row for no particular reason (e.g. Drew uses the last of the milk on his second bowl of cereal Christmas morning; a stranger at Meijer gives me a dirty look; a Folgers Coffee commercial on TV) and I’ll realize that it’s about that time again.

But, this morning, when I realized that my body was gushing blood, I freaked the fuck out.

I do not like blood. I’d be, like, the worst vampire ever. It makes me queasy. Ever since Drew wrecked his face and I had to run from the neighbor’s house at age 5 (or something?) to tell our parents Drew’s lip was … not really on his face anymore, things just haven’t been okay for me and Blood. Even when it comes out of my vagina, I have to distance myself from it; I have to pretend it’s not really blood. Ugh. I have the willies just thinking about it.

Anyway, this gushing blood? It was not coming from my ladybox.

(Sorry I talked about my vagina, Drew.)

I can’t even tell you the last time I had a bloody nose.

Even though I’m clumsy as fuck and run into shit all the time, I haven’t hit my nose in a way that makes it bleed. When Drew chucked a tennis ball at my face, my nose didn’t bleed.

I wasn’t even participating in a strenuous activity. Nothing happened. There was no trauma to my face.

(This leads me to believe that something exploded in my brain and that I’m probably going to die.)

I was driving to work this morning, just driving along listening to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone on CD when OUT OF NOWHERE my nose started gushing blood. Literally. I couldn’t get a Kleenex to my face fast enough. There was SO MUCH BLOOD. And it was everywhere.

I was so ill-equipped.  What, with the almost-empty, smashed-to-hell box of Kleenex I keep in my car, the fact I was driving at a barely-legal 78 miles an hour on I-96 at 8am, and OH YEAH I HAVE NEVER HAD A BLOODY NOSE AND ALL OF MY FIRST-AID TRAINING APPARENTLY FLEW OUT OF MY BRAIN IN A PANIC BECAUSE I DO NOT POSSESS GRACE UNDER FIRE.

My intention was that I would be able to stop at Starbucks or Beaners (fuck that, I refuse to call it Biggby) to grab a caramel macchiato or chai latte (respectively) and make it to work on time. Ohhhh, no. That did not happen, although I did pull into the Starbucks parking lot to try to stop the bleeding. To no avail.

I drove the rest of the way to work with a Kleenex shoved up my nose while I called my mother in a panic (she didn’t pick up; she doesn’t love me.) and machine gun-like sobs escaped from my lungs. I cried my way to work with a Kleenex shoved up my left nostril.

So attractive.

When I finally got to work, it looked like I had killed someone.

There was blood ALL OVER my scarf (the one Drew brought home for me from VIENNA!), my coat, the steering wheel in my car, my pants, both of my hands and all down my arms.

I was a fucking mess.

Seriously, that kid on youtube who got all upset about the blood? You know what I’m talking about: BLOOD?! NOT FUNNYYYYYYY!!! He was fucking right.

I even opened the first aid kit I keep in my car for sanitizing wipes to wipe all of the blood off of my hands and the steering wheel.  It only kinda worked, though, because the first aid kit is kinda old and it has been sitting in my car for a while so the wet-wipe thing I used was dried out.  So, mostly, I dumped a fuck-ton of antibacterial hand gel everywhere and wiped with the not-wet-at-all wet-wipe (because I DIDN’T HAVE ANYMORE KLEENEX LEFT!). Things didn’t really work out for me this morning as I was self-conscious about my bloody-ness all day long.

Here’s the silver lining though: at least this didn’t happen on a Monday. My whole week would have been fucked.

(OMG I can’t believe I’m even about to say this- because it’s terrible and very, very offensive, but oh well I’m going to anyway…) All I could think of, though, through the whole ordeal: If I had The HIV, this would be a nightmare. And if I was a hemophiliac, I would be so fucked right now.

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Oh hey everyone.

Here’s this week’s Sunday list:

1.) A car drove through the wall of my town’s library?

2.) I finally got to pick up the stuff I had waiting for me at the library today. The hole in the brick wall was covered by some wooden boards. It looked really, really safe/cute.

3.) Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, and Sara Bareilles sing directly from my own heart.

4.) I spent the entire day packing while hungover.

5.) The movers come tomorrow morning at 8am and the house is like… not done being packed up into boxes and shiz.

6.) I’m so excited for my hair appointment on Thursday.

7.) I really need Eclipse to be out on DVD. Like, yesterday. I watched New Moon one night last week and had many, many thoughts and a few questions. And luckily Erica understands how my brain works and didn’t even judge me for this gem: “And I’m fairly certain that Ashley Greene is a douche in real life so it’s fitting that she and Joe Jonas are togeth. They can be douchelords together.” Nor did she judge me for this one: “Why the fuck is Jasper so creepy?!” Or this one: “What is Esme’s importance in the saga? What does she bring to the table other than serving as a positive role model?” And this: “Also, Edward and Bella’s relationship is sooooo unhealthy.” And, finally, this most important thought: “Jacob is just too cute!”

I know. I need an Intervention.

8.) I found this while looking for my New Moon related texts I sent to Erica. I found this. And it’s the truth, so I’ll share this one too: “I really feel like I’m the dark and twisty Meredith and not the bright and shiny one. And it’s weird that I changed from Cristina to Meredith, but I just know I’m Meredith now.”

9.) I’m really tired.

10.) I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver today!!! And I wanted to cry! It was scary. And the whole experience just reinforced the fact that I definitely do not possess the quality of “grace under fire” so the poor soul who ends up with me better possess that otherwise my life will be a mess.

Well, here’s to hoping that Tuesday brings more “together” me. I’m hoping to have some pictures of the move as it is in-progress to show you how things are going. Until then, my loves… until then. 🙂

LAHV YEW