Tag Archive: fear


I don’t usually remember my dreams.

But sometimes I do.

And I have noticed a pattern to it.

The only dreams I remember are the ones where I’m about to die.

I just can't look at it the same way....

Like that time I dreamt that my house was being broken into and explosions were going off and there was a hostage situation. Or that time I dreamt that a man lived down the street had lured me into his creepy-as-fuck house only for me to find my loved ones and close, beloved family friends all dead, hanging like marionettes (read: *NSYNC-style) in boxes in his giant living room and him chasing me around his property with a sawed-off shotgun and machete. Or that time I dreamt I was being locked in some type of school gymnasium with a fuck-ton of people because wherever the hell we were was on “lockdown” and we were all safe in the gym but then some man told us we have “two minutes to get out because this place is gonna blow the fuck up” and I woke up in a panic.

 

SEE?! This is not okay!!

I woke up this morning and my face was wet and I couldn’t breathe.

I woke up and realized I had been crying in my sleep.

This time was different. I wasn’t dreaming I was dying or about to die. I dreamt that Drew had died.

Why the fuck?! WHY?!

Do you know how disturbing that was?!

That’s my baby brother. That cannot happen. Ever. He can never die.

I was a mess in my whole dream. I was running around like a ninny, completely out of control and inconsolable. I was completely irrational and out of my mind. It was awful.

I can’t even talk about it.

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With Drew studying abroad, it makes me wish I would have been brave and done study abroad while I was in college.

I was too much of a chickenshit to ever leave home.

I went to college twenty minutes away from my childhood home. With traffic, the car ride from my apartment at school to the house I grew up in was twenty minutes. I went home all the time. Sometimes, it was because I legitimately had a reason, like I forgot something. Most of the time, though, I went home for dumb, pretend reasons. I went home to hang out with my dog. I went home to steal food and avoid going grocery shopping (it stresses me out!). I went home to watch movies I wasn’t allowed to take with me back to school. I went home just to have my mom do my laundry (but not fold it, ’cause she does it wrong) and take care of me when I was hungover.

I’m still a pansy, but that is neither here nor there.

My point is that I am so envious of Drew’s European adventure. He posted pictures from his weekend trip to Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam on facebook yesterday. Looking at the pictures from Paris, it made me want to go there again so bad. (We went my junior year of college and I skipped more than a week of classes to do so.) I saw his pictures of the Arc de Triomphe and immediately felt like I needed to go back. His pictures of Notre Dame were amazing, and I died a little ’cause I wanted to be there too. Someday, I’ll go back to Paris and I won’t be such a pansy and I’ll actually go to the top of Notre Dame, like Drew did. Twice.

I want to walk that street and shop 'til I drop.

My fear of heights really ruins my life. When we were in London, I couldn’t go to the tallest part of all the churches. Both times we were in London, I stopped at the first level and waited while everyone else ventured to the top to overlook the city from all of the beautiful churches. I panicked when we went to the top of the Arc de Triomphe. I didn’t go to the ledge because I immediately thought I would blow off and die. I did, however, fake it and took a cheesy picture at the top anyway.

CHEEEEEEEESE

I just really, really, really want to go back to Europe. I want to go all over and see all the sights! I want to see the things I’ve seen before and I want to see and experience new things! I love seeing Drew’s pictures and find myself living vicariously through his experiences. The weekend needs to hurry up and get here so he can travel some more and take more pictures and post them ASAP!

For now, though, I’ll leave you with this photo. We were hanging out in front of Buckingham Palace, and Mom sniped a picture of her two lovely children. Family vacations are awesome.

We were obviously really ready.