I always joke about rage blackouts, but tonight I am fairly certain I actually experienced one.

I have never felt so filled with rage before. I literally was at a loss. I didn’t know what to do to with all of it.  I didn’t know how to express it. I was so angry, and I felt the rage pulling me in so many directions I didn’t know what to do.  It was such a peculiar feeling. I was in control but completely out of control at the same time.

I didn’t scream. I didn’t cry. I didn’t yell or shout or call the witness to this blackout names.  I wasn’t shaking and my body heat didn’t feel anything too far from normal.  I couldn’t even hear my pulse racing in my ears. Looking at me, I don’t think I would have appeared as anything other than normal.

Inside, my mind was raging.  I could feel myself losing it.  I experienced an almost out-of-body sense of calm when all I wanted to do was have some sort of grand reaction. No reaction was making it even worse.

I’m coming down now, although I don’t want to speak to anyone. I want to be left alone. Even after coming home, slamming a couple doors (yes, thanks for asking, I am a child), flopping onto my bed and screaming into my pillow, I still feel weird.  My whole body was shaking as I screamed into my pillow, and stubborn, angry tears escaped from my eyes. After a handful of the most intense and angry screaming I can ever remember doing, I knew I was done.  I was breathing hard, but it was shallow and not satisfying like it is after a good, hard workout.  What’s more is that I don’t think I’ve ever screamed into my pillow before in my life.  In 23 years of existence, not once.  And today, I apparently tried something new.

My throat hurts, my body feels exhausted and my head feels slightly like it does when I laugh too hard and the pain won’t go away.

I can’t even talk about what made me so angry, partly because it is so, so stupid and partly because I honestly feel like I might not even know the exact reason I got so upset.

All I know is that I never want to feel like that again.

(I also will not refrain from making inappropriate anger management jokes referencing both Charlie Sheen and Chris Brown, because that would be in poor taste. And I’m too classy for that.)

pretty much, yeah.....

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