Magicians are Douche Bags.

With that said, I will tell you that last night I watched a hypnotist perform. And I liked it.

There were many reasons why I didn’t voluntarily attend last night’s Student Life event at my school. Those reasons include, but are not limited to, I’m not 18 years old and/or a freshman, I am not a joiner, I don’t attend social events alone (if I can help it), I skipped school-sanctioned “welcome week” activities to go get drunk with my friends when I was a freshman in college, I don’t live “on-campus,” yada, yada, yada.  I do, however, have a mother who is the VP of Student Services, which includes Student Life, so she had to make an appearance at one of her own events. I happened to be out to dinner last night with Mother and was tricked into attending this school-sanctioned community-building welcome-week activity. One Car. Tricky bitch.

When we arrived, I sensed crickets. There were, like, five people there. All employees. My mom also really enjoys introducing me to people she works with and the students she interacts with, so I get to shake a lot of hands and say “it’s great to meet you!” a million and a half times.

Michael C. Anthony. Magician/Hypnotist/Douche Bag.

So, we walked a little further into the building to another clump of people, including a couple familiar faces. This clump of people were entranced by a tall, dark-haired man wearing too-tight jeans and a ridiculous button-up shirt. He had a deck of cards in his hands and was talking with a lot of inflection in his voice. I immediately bristled. Magician, I thought. Douche Bag.

He did another trick for the group because we had walked up. He had new audience members. Why the hell not?! So, he did another card trick and I wanted to hate him, I did, but, DUDE, it was like MAGIC! I don’t understand how that works?!!?! And then he totally showed us how the trick worked. It includes fancy “shuffling” and deception I’m incapable of performing because I’m just not lame enough to “practice” card tricks. So then he fiddled around with his iPhone, showing us this app he “invented” and how it goes along with that silly card trick.

For a moment, I may have been entertained (and even impressed) but once I learned his secret, I went back to This guy’s a douche bag in too-tight jeans. And I was a little pissed, ’cause for a moment, juuuuust for a second, I believed it was real. And when it turned out to be a lie, it made me think that magic really isn’t real, which made me think that Harry Potter isn’t really real, and that made me sad.

Anyway, so then he got whisked away to “backstage” and we went and talked to more people and then sat down to watch this guy. I was skeptical. And excited. He came out a did another card trick, and I was like Mom, if this is all he’s gonna do, we need to GTFO. But thennnnn, he called like 30 kids on stage and started to “hypnotize” them. At first, it was lame and I didn’t believe it.

It wasn’t until he had these kids stretching out all over the place (pushing each other off the chairs, dropping to the floor, laying down on the floor, snuggling up to one another) that I believed he may be doing something awesome. He managed to make these kids do really crazy shit- hilarious crazy shit.  He convinced one kid his name was Cha-Cha, and when he pronounced it wrong, Cha-Cha got pissed. Cha Cha also fell in love with and danced with a broom because he told him it was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen.  It was hilarious. He made another guy howl like a werewolf. He made one girl launch her body across groups of people at the word “safety” so she could pretend to be a human seatbealt. He created one awesome “dance party” and made them all think they were on the beach and it was, like, 1000 degrees. They started taking their clothes off and everything. Bahaha He convinced them that one guy’s belt was a snake. Oh em gee, I was DYING laughing.

So maybe this guy is legit. Maybe he can actually hypnotize people. I still think he’s probably a douche bag because he reminded me of  this guy:

Mystery, from VH1's tacky old show "The Pick-Up Artist" He is SICK.

I hate all of that. The show was sick. The guys on that show were sick. And the fact that women actually …. acknowledge their existence upsets me.

For one of my COM classes in college, we had to read pop culture relationship books and apply communication theories to the behaviors exhibited. I had to read THIS BOOK. I made it halfway through, and that was only because I read it in the airport, on the plane and sitting by the pool in Vegas during spring break senior year of college. I was embarrassed. It offends reason, and it certainly offended me. These men are clearly delusional and emotionally stunted. Not to mention they think women are sub-humans and completely demean them every chance they get. I assume it’s because they hate themselves so much, and they blame their mothers for not loving them, or some bullshit.

Regardless, the hypnotist I watched last night probably knows the douche bags from that VH1 show and from the book I had to read.  And his jeans were seriously wayyyy too tight. Even though he did a good job, I still stand by my original statement.

Magicians are douche bags.