I have trouble with time.

I don’t understand it.

I’m confused by it.

I don’t understand daylight savings time. WTF is that about? WHY?! How can places just decide they will not partake in the confusion?! I don’t know about other states, but I know Indiana was one of those places to stick it to the man and say no! Although, I think I read that even they gave in.

Anyway, what I really mean is that I’m generally confused about the timing of things. I have trouble placing events in a timeline.

Not, like, recent events. Oh no, big, historical (?) events. I just can’t keep things straight.

Last Christmas, my family was discussing this very thing and it became clear to everyone that I’m an idiot.

I came up with the idea of negative time.

The way I see it, everything ties back to Jesus, and that’s confusing to me.

Last Wednesday, Drew called me to wish me a happy birthday. The phone call quickly turned into a quiz about time. It wasn’t until I had exhausted my list of events to place on my timeline did he even get the chance to say anything at all about my birthday.

When did the dinosaurs exist?!

Really?

Before or after Jesus?

*his soul dies a little bit* Before.

Negative time!

Yes, Katie, negative time. *soul dies a little more*

What about Christopher Columbus? Before or after Jesus?!

Seriously?

Drew! Tell me!

After.

What about the vikings!

Dark ages.

You know what I mean.

790s to 1066 AD.

That’s not negative time?

No.

What about cavemen?

Prehistoric. Very, very BC. Like 10,000 BC.

Like the movie?

Yes.

That means… before Jesus. Negative time.

Yes.

What about…. the movie Ice Age!? When was that? That’s negative time too?

Yes. Because cavemen show up in the very end of the third movie.

When we were speaking on the phone on my birthday, I heard chuckling. Then I heard a lot of chuckling. And that was when I knew that there was a small group listening in on our conversation. His fraternity brothers heard me sound like an idiot, asking for an explanation for shit everyone already understands.

But, the best part is, he still at least explains it. He still goes through the motions of trying to make me understand.  My brother is one of the good ones.

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